My Television Pilot

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Holden
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My Television Pilot

Post by Holden »

Hello! I recently wrote a 37-page television sitcom pilot. I was wondering if anyone here would want to read it and maybe give advice if you’ve got the time/interest. I sent it to The Screenplay Readers (a service I absolutely recommend) and this is the logline that they supplied me:
A group of fast-food workers tries to make it through a day without turning their lives into a bigger mess than they already are.
I’m not at my computer right now, but if anyone would like to see it, let me know and I’ll attach it to this post! Content warning though: it does contain vulgarity and sexual references.
You do not have the required permissions to view the files attached to this post.
Last edited by Holden on Sat Jun 27, 2020 3:23 am, edited 1 time in total.
"The better a singer's voice, the harder it is to believe what they're saying."
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ValenN
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Re: My Television Pilot

Post by ValenN »

Holden wrote: Thu Jun 25, 2020 7:59 pm Hello! I recently wrote a 37-page television sitcom pilot. I was wondering if anyone here would want to read it and maybe give advice if you’ve got the time/interest. I sent it to The Screenplay Readers (a service I absolutely recommend) and this is the logline that they supplied me:
A group of fast-food workers tries to make it through a day without turning their lives into a bigger mess than they already are.
I’m not at my computer right now, but if anyone would like to see it, let me know and I’ll attach it to this post! Content warning though: it does contain vulgarity and sexual references.
I'd be interested to read that!
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Holden
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Re: My Television Pilot

Post by Holden »

I have added in the document.
"The better a singer's voice, the harder it is to believe what they're saying."
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Cold Butterfly
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Re: My Television Pilot

Post by Cold Butterfly »

I haven’t watched a lot of sitcoms (at least not yet) but I read the script over the last few days and found it very entertaining. Keep up the great work fam.
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Holden
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Re: My Television Pilot

Post by Holden »

Cold Butterfly wrote: Mon Jun 29, 2020 8:25 pm I haven’t watched a lot of sitcoms (at least not yet) but I read the script over the last few days and found it very entertaining. Keep up the great work fam.
Thanks!
"The better a singer's voice, the harder it is to believe what they're saying."
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ValenN
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Re: My Television Pilot

Post by ValenN »

Holden wrote: Mon Jun 29, 2020 8:58 pm
Cold Butterfly wrote: Mon Jun 29, 2020 8:25 pm I haven’t watched a lot of sitcoms (at least not yet) but I read the script over the last few days and found it very entertaining. Keep up the great work fam.
Thanks!
I agree, I finally got around to reading the script and found it funny! I think you do a nice job of introducing the characters.
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Holden
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Re: My Television Pilot

Post by Holden »

ValenN wrote: Thu Jul 23, 2020 10:17 pm
Holden wrote: Mon Jun 29, 2020 8:58 pm
Cold Butterfly wrote: Mon Jun 29, 2020 8:25 pm I haven’t watched a lot of sitcoms (at least not yet) but I read the script over the last few days and found it very entertaining. Keep up the great work fam.
Thanks!
I agree, I finally got around to reading the script and found it funny! I think you do a nice job of introducing the characters.
Any constructive criticism? I’d love to make this script as good as possible!
"The better a singer's voice, the harder it is to believe what they're saying."
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mileswide
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Re: My Television Pilot

Post by mileswide »

I hope you don't mind my input? It's incredibly well-written with clever, witty punchlines, you've made a realistic world for the characters, who are all flawed but relatable and you've made me care about what'll happen next to them. A TV adaptation of this'd make me laugh my arse off!

The one thing I'd change is using "Thank (fucking) goodness" so much- you write it nearly as many times in the first third of the script as I would write "out of curiosity" on here a few months ago! You could lampshade it, I guess, by having an instance of Jackson starting the phrase and the other characters finishing it in his tone of voice, then him admitting he really needs to stop saying that?

You'll have your own way around it that feels true to you though, the rest of the dialogue shines and there's nothing else in the script I'd do differently, much less that I could do any better. Really hope it gets greenlit!
But I believe in this and it's been tested by research...
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Holden
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Re: My Television Pilot

Post by Holden »

Thanks! Never realized how good people on the internet telling me I’m funny could feel! This is only my second writing project (the first was a thriller film) and I’m really happy you all liked it! Now all I gotta do is find someone to make this for me; none of you happen to know anyone who works with Netflix, do you? :D
"The better a singer's voice, the harder it is to believe what they're saying."
AntonyRudik
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Re: My Television Pilot

Post by AntonyRudik »

Wow, thanks for that fiction! Will take a look
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Rocky Raccoon
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Re: My Television Pilot

Post by Rocky Raccoon »

Some thoughts from me, for what they're worth.
1) Definitely hire a professional editor to go over it. It's pretty tight, but there are still some typos, punctuation/grammar errors, and continuity errors. For example, on Page 12, Bryanna "walks to the back, exiting from view," but shortly after she's in the middle of the conversation again. Also, on Page 16, you refer to yourself rather than Jackson's Icelandic bullshit music. I'm guessing that character is based on you and that's a Freudian slip.
2) I would market this script more as a dramedy than a straight-up sitcom. I think it has more drama elements in it, and for better or worse, sitcoms seem to have a punchline practically every other sentence, which this doesn't.
3) Considering this is a pilot, I liked how the characters are fleshed out pretty quickly, and they all seem to have a fairly unique voice. This is something to build upon in subsequent stories.
4) I would change the age of Bryella from five to seven. Her dialogue just seems too old for her. I understand she's supposed to be precocious and ahead of her years, but it still seems too much. At seven it would still be a stretch, but at least believable. As a father or two girls, who are older now, believe me when I say they pretty much don't know shit at that age.

Now that I've written this, I've only just noticed the original thread was started a year ago. Have you had any luck with it?
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